


Glimmer

by CatsoftheApocalypse



Series: MARVELous Guys [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst?, F/M, civil war spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-06-08 04:33:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6839215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatsoftheApocalypse/pseuds/CatsoftheApocalypse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky makes a calculated decision.<br/>You make an impulsive one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Glimmer

It was hard, for all of us. No matter which side we'd been on.  
I had stayed with Steve, and Bucky, was both happy and sad when Clint had joined us, felt much better about Wanda being out of the Compound, and Scott was actually a really great guy. Of course, nothing had gone as planned, because it never does.  
Getting the others out of the Raft had been a strenuous effort beyond my imagination, especially since it had just been Steve and myself.

We were drained, and I, personally, maybe unreasonably, was also a little heartbroken. Bucky's decision weighed on me, not as much as it did on him, but still.  
I suppose what bothered me most about it was the fact that he thought he was not worth the effort. His words in the Quinjet on our way to Siberia still rang in my ears. I'd reluctantly stayed behind in the jet upon their insistence, but only after a long discussion. No words were appropriate to describe my surprise when I had sen T'Challa with them on their return, let alone when they told me what had actually happened.  
As much as I disagreed with the Accords, because they really did just shift the blame, I could follow Tony's reasoning. And I knew how much his Mom meant to him. How strained he must have been after everything. I could understand that he would lash out at Bucky with such a revelation being slammed into his face, even if Bucky hadn't been himself when it had happened.

Now, all I could do was hope.  
Hope that, at some point in the not too far future, we would be able to all be a team again.  
Hope that Tony would start to heal.  
Hope that we didn't take forever to find a way to get whatever programming Hydra had dumped into Bucky's brain out of there.

The truth was simple. I'd fallen for Bucky. Beyond all the pain, the anger, and the self-loathing, he was a kind, gentle person. The Bucky Steve had known, had told Nat and me so much about, was still a part of him, but there was so much more to him now. I didn't know, barely dared to hope, if he ever could or did think of me that way. Sometimes, he would look at me in a strange way, leaving me wondering. And now, it seemed not to matter anymore.

The room was a clean, pristine white, sterile almost, but in a comfortable way. A reassuring way. Wakandan science, both medical and otherwise, was so advanced, it was astonishing. Again, a brief thought of Tony flickered through my mind, and I wondered what he would think of all this, but quickly snapped back into focus. Steve had just asked Bucky, one last time, whether he was certain he wanted to do this, and had received an affirmative answer. Now, they were preparing to strap Bucky down and put him back on ice.  
"Wait!" I suddenly called, unaware of having decided to speak.  
All eyes in the room turned to me, but the only pair that mattered was Bucky's. My feet moved without my permission until I stood in front of him, reaching a hand around to the back of his neck as I stood on my toes and poured all that I felt into one kiss.  
Maybe it was stupid. To ignite something when I couldn't possibly know how long it would take until I could see him conscious again.  
Maybe it wasn't stupid. What did time matter, when I felt him kiss me back with just as much passion and despair as my own, his hand coming to the small of my back to press me closer to him.  
As we broke apart, I opened my eyes, finding a sense of wonder shining from his. We were slightly short of breath, and I wrapped him in my arms for just a moment as I whispered into his ear.  
"The answer is yes. You are worth all this. Do what you have to. When you wake up, I will be right here."  
I barely felt his answering nod, but it was there.

We let go of each other, and I walked backwards to where I had stood before, not once taking my eyes off him, only stopping when I felt Steve's hand between my shoulder blades.  
The Wakandan Scientists got everything ready, secured Bucky, and then one of them pressed the button to start the procedure.  
Briefly, Bucky's gaze flickered to Steve, and they gave each other a slight nod, but then he looked back at me, and I thought I could see something new in his expression. Something he hadn't known for a long time. Something almost like hope.


	2. Like Real People Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A way to remove Hydra's programming has been found...

"Are you certain you do not want anybody else in the room? We can not be sure how he will react."  
"I know. That is precisely why I think it's best we keep it to a minimum."  
"Be that as it may, I will be right outside."  
"Thank you, your Majesty."  
After watching T'Challa leave, I turned back to the Cryo Tube and pressed the button to open it. After all the procedures of the last few days, it shouldn't take long for him to wake up, and I made sure to stand in his direct line of sight. When he began to slowly blink his eyes open, I could not keep from smiling.  
"F/N?" his voice came in a low groan, hesitant and questioning.  
My smile grew.  
"Hey, Bucky."  
Eyes now fully open, he looked around himself to recall where he was.  
"How long?"  
"Eight months."  
"Only?"  
"Yes. We had help from an old friend."  
To my surprise, he didn't bother asking who the old friend was.  
"Steve?"  
"Steve is fine." I assured him, not continuing.  
"But?"  
"He's not here."  
"Why not?"  
"He is trying to track down Natasha."  
"The russian redhead?"  
"Yes. I was with him, but when we got the intel on how to get Hydra out of your brain, I came back here. Steve wanted to be here as well, but we couldn't risk what little of a trail we had on Nat going cold. Steve - he thought I should go, because..." I hesitated.  
Maybe he did not remember. The procedure could have had side effects.  
"You promised."  
"Yes." I sighed. "I'm glad you recall."  
"I could not-"  
He interrupted himself when he noticed he was still restrained, looking down at the bindings and then questioningly back up at me.  
"T'Challa insisted you remain restrained until we... tested you."  
From one moment to the next, he went incredibly tense, and I could see a hint of fear in his eyes.  
"Don't worry, Bucky. It's just... We did already go through the procedure to trash Hydra's programming, we only need to make sure."  
"How do you plan on doing that?"  
I swallowed thickly and reached for the console next to me. Bringing my hand back in front of me, I let him take in the red leather book, the fading black star emblazoned on it's cover.  
"I'll say the words."  
"F/N, I... If what they did didn't work, I could hurt you."  
"I know, but I trust you, and I'm sure we got everything Hydra out of your head." I said, turning the corners of my mouth up reassuringly. "And besides, the King of Wakanda is in the next room. In his Black Panther outfit. And I'm not entirely untrained myself."  
"I'm-"  
"Bucky." I interrupted. "If you don't want it to be me, I can get somebody else to read the words. But we both know it has to be done. It's the quickest way to make sure."  
"Go ahead, then." he resigned.  
I nodded and, after involuntarily taking a step closer, opened the book.  
"страстное желание."  Bucky flinched, but then relaxed again, as much as was possible for him under the circumstances.  
"ржавые." This time, he remained tense.  
"семнадцать." His fingers curled in on themselves and remnained like that, ready for a punch.  
"рассвет. печь. девять. доброкачественный. возвращение домой." His jaw was tense, his features scrunched up as if in concentration.  
"один." Again he flinched, this time more violently. I looked up at him, hesitating briefly, before carefully pronouncing the last phrase.  
"грузовой вагон."  
He sucked in a sharp breath, but otherwise appeared to remain the same. Eyes closed, jaw clenched, hands balled into fists.  
"Солдат?" I asked.  
"Don't call me that. Ever. Please." he replied, and his body relaxed, as did mine.  
"Whatever you ask." I assured him.  
A quick glance to the side, I gave T'Challa and his staff the agreed sign, and they slowly dispersed, leaving us truly alone. Any medical tests that were needed after the Cryo had either already been done, or could wait until tomorrow, so Bucky could have a little breathing room. I then stepped closer to Bucky, and he opened his eyes again, taking in my features while I hurried to untie him.  
"Let me get rid of these." I grinned, undoing the restraints.  
When I was done, he stepped out of the Cryo Tube, just a little bit shaky, and I pressed a hand against his chest.  
"You feeling okay?"  
Instead of an answer, he pulled me into a tight embrace.  
  
I had to do quite a bit of wiggling before I had freed my arms enough to hug him back. His breath was hot against my skin while I enjoyed just holding him, and being held, waiting for him to be ready to part.  
When Bucky pulled away, there was a sheepish look on his face.  
"Sorry." he said quietly.  
"Hey, I'm not complaining, or did you hear something?"  
A small smile appeared on his lips.  
"So, what now?" he then asked, stepping back a little.  
"Well, the Doctors have agreed to give you some time before they check you again, so... It's really up to you. If you want, I can show you to the room they've prepared for you, or we can find ourselves something to eat. Or I can show you to your room, and ask for something to be brought to you..."  
"What about you?"  
"Me?"  
"When was the last time you ate?"  
My cheeks reddened and I looked down at my feet.  
"Yesterday... I was nervous. I just hoped nothing would go wrong, and..."  
"Eat with me, then."  
"You sure you wouldn't rather be alone?"  
"I'm sure."  
  
After a quick detour to make food arrangements, we arrived in Bucky's room. It was rather sparse in its furnishings, merely the bed, a small desk and an armchair, in which Bucky took a seat while I perched on the edge of the bed.  
"F/N..."Bucky began, but then decided to leave the unfinished sentence to hover in the air.  
During our walk through the Wakandan facility, I had already noticed that something seemed to bother him, but I didn't want to pry, and had said nothing. But now that he had initiated the conversation, I figured it was okay if I prodded a little.  
"Yeah?"  
"It's nothing. Forget I said anything." he sighed.  
"Bucky... What is it?"  
"It's stupid, forget about it."  
"James Buchanan Barnes, whatever you were going to say, if it's one of the first things that come to your mind after being defrosted, I doubt that it's stupid. Go on. Tell me."  
He sighed again and looked down at his hands, taking a deep breath and making to broach whichever subject it was he had on his mind, but before he even said a single word, he froze, and frowned. Then he looked up at me.  
"What is-"  
"I was wondering when you would notice. Took you long enough." I said, chuckling, and got up to approach him. "Mind if I sit?"  
"Where would... No, go ahead." he mumbled, and I thought I detected a faint blush on his cheeks.  
I sat sideways in his lap and he reached a steadying hand around my waist, the one he'd had for over 70 years. The other one, the one gleaming, polished, cold, I took between my own two. Tracing every digit, every shifting plate of metal, every dip and curve, my fingers made their way up the incredible piece of technology, all the way to the red star on his shoulder.  
"T'Challa had his scientists reverse-engineer what was left of your arm, and replace it with this... It's Vibranium." I told him while I felt him watch me quietly.  
"I... I can feel where you're touching me." Bucky replied, his voice near whispering.  
"Yeah." I smiled. "Well, they made a few improvements... And this-" I traced the star with one fingertip. "-they were not sure whether you'd want to see it again or not, so they put it back on. But if you don't want it, they can change the plates. Or remove the whole arm, if you don't want the reminder of who you were."  
"F/N... What I've done..."  
"Bucky, listen. I'm aware you don't know too much about any of the Avengers, aside from Steve, but you have something in common with at least one of them. Vision. He, or his body, was created by Ultron to host Ultron's own consciousness. To be his final, perfect incarnation. But Ultron never got to finish the transfer. And then Tony and Bruce reconfigured Jarvis' matrix... Well, Vision, in the end, is a few parts of Ultron. He's a few parts of Jarvis. But he is neither one of the two.  
You're not the same Bucky Steve knew when he grew up. When he tried to enlist. Or during the war. But you're not the Winter Soldier either. Not anymore. You're somebody else. You did the things those two people did, but that doesn't mean you have to let that haunt you forever. Often, you had no other choice. And as to who you are now, that is something you can take all the time in the world to figure out. I'll gladly help you, if you want. So would others."  
His hand on my waist tightened minutely.  
"But why?"  
"Because you're worth it."  
"I don't know..."  
"Bucky?"  
"Yes?"  
"What were you going to say earlier?"  
He loosened his grip on me, and turned his head a bit to watch my hand, resting on top of the star on his arm, then glanced at my face, and back to my hand on his arm.  
"I... I meant to ask about what happened before I went under."  
"What exactly?"  
"The... kiss."  
"Okay."  
"Why'd you do it? Kiss me, I mean."  
His gaze steadied on mine, and I took a few moments before formulating a reply. I thought it was clear why I had kissed him, and he probably knew the reason, too. But I also understood that he needed to hear me say it. That his conscious mind was not exactly a reliable source for him. After huffing out a small breath, I smiled softly and transferred my hand from the star to his cheek. My thumb tracing his lips, I began to speak.  
"When all that stuff started happening... The accords, Zemo... The only information I had about you was what Steve had told me. Me and Nat. And Sam, to great extent. I probably knew less than those two, since I joined the team later. I think that's a blessing. I had more of a chance to get to know you without being influenced by knowledge of the things you were before. And even if we didn't have much time for pleasantries, I think I saw enough. I liked what I saw. You've been through a lot, but at your core, you always stayed a good man. When Hydra got into your head, they didn't take that from you. They only managed to hide it.  
I guess... I guess my point is that I kissed you because you're something I've been looking for, and I was hoping maybe you were looking for something, too."  
"Looking for what?" he asked, his words barely louder than the breath we shared.  
"Something interpersonal. A connection."  
I watched him swallow thickly before he wet his lips.  
"So it wasn't a just a pity party? A one-off?"  
"Definitely not a pity party. A one-off, it was. So far. But it doesn't have to stay one."  
"No?"  
A huff of breath. A smile. Inching closer. Slowly. Cool lips hesitantly pressing against warm ones. A muted sigh. A hum of approval. Just a second or two.  
"No." I breathed as he pulled away again. "It does not."  
The next kiss, though still tender, lasted a lot longer. My hands ended up tangled in his hair, his holding my hips close and steady as our mouths worked in tandem, chasing away the residual cold on his skin.  
We were both flushed and breathless when a determined knock on the door caused us to break apart.  
  
Good food goes a long way in making one feel better sometimes. For me, sharing this meal with Bucky, in the knowledge that after decades of never being in full control of himself and his actions, he finally had his mind to himself again, relieved an incredible amount of tension. It seemed the effect on Bucky was somewhat similar.  
We spent some time sitting on his bed afterwards, most of which was me catching him up on what had happened in the months he was on ice. I didn't really register the way I started to yawn every so often, nor that I kept closing the space between us, little by little, until I drifted off to sleep with his arms wrapped tight around me.


End file.
